Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
