Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
