I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
