i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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