so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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