im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
