Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
