I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
tell me about the eggs
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