They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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