Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Someone signed my nipple.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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