I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
