Have you finally orgasmed yet?
there was a trapeze. enough said
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Mom said you looked used
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize