I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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