the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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