Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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