thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
