i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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