Kiss
Puke
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
