dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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