Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
