I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
