Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
