remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I currently don't understand fingers.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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