I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
