i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my shit smells like andre
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize