Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
