I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
