my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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