two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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