Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
