if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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