Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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