i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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