I need to stop coming to work sober
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You're like the curious george of whores
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
