vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
