I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
