Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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