We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
