Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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