you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
