I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
