I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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