At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
