WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Sponge bath it is.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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