I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
