I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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