There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
