This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
