i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
