Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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