Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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