Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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