i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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