I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
