i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize