i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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