So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
