Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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