i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
